


You Make Me Feel Like I'm Real

by farkenshnoffingottom



Series: PFF Bingo 2018 [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Era (Phandom), Coming Out, First Kiss, First Meetings, Internalized Transphobia, M/M, POV Dan Howell, Trans Character, a trans guy written by a trans guy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-25
Updated: 2018-09-25
Packaged: 2019-07-17 08:05:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16091474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/farkenshnoffingottom/pseuds/farkenshnoffingottom
Summary: He passes almost perfectly online – making sure any photos he posts are taken at the right angles and with the right outfits to work. But this will be different. Maybe Phil won’t notice at first. But if there’s any touching (god, he wants there to be touching), how is he going to explain it away?It’s not that he doesn’t want Phil to know, it’s just that he’s scared. He’s grown used to their daily communication, and he really doesn’t want to jeopardize what is probably the best friendship he’s ever had.----It’s 2009, and Dan is trans and scared about how Phil will react.





	You Make Me Feel Like I'm Real

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I've actually written a non-school-related thing in years, and I'm so excited about it. Thank you to phandomficfests for organizing this and inspiring me to write again. This is a fill for the bingo squares "2009" and "canon with a twist"
> 
> Thanks to my lovely beta [yourfriendlyblogstalker](http://yourfriendlyblogstalker.tumblr.com/)! All remaining mistakes are my own
> 
> Warning for internalized transphobia in Dan's anxious thoughts
> 
> I just realized I didn't say this in the fic, so T is testosterone, in case you didn't know
> 
> This is a work of fiction, and is in no way intended to be a factual representation of irl Dan and Phil

Dan gets off his last skype call with Phil before he takes the train to Manchester, and he’s scared. _Fuck. Why the fuck did I agree to this again_? he asks himself, although he knows the answer already. Dan just… really likes Phil. Yes, his obsession started as a silly celebrity crush – and he never really thought he’d get to meet, let alone know, the real AmazingPhil - but now that he’s spent more time with him, it’s more than that. It turned from hero worship to something he’s almost terrified to name, right around the time Phil started staying on skype with him hours into the night, sharing the mundane details of his life. Dan can imagine himself occupying the same space as Phil, somehow getting to listen to all the stories and thoughts that his other subscribers don’t get to see. He can maybe even see them building a life together, some day.

And Dan’s comfortable with his identity. He is. He’s been out and living his truth for almost three years now. He’s three months on T, and his voice has finally started to change. He’s happier than he’s ever been before. But...

But now they’re actually going to meet in person.

He passes almost perfectly online – making sure any photos he posts are taken at the right angles and with the right outfits to work. When they skype, he can make sure to speak extra deep, even though he knows it will hurt his throat later. But this will be different. Maybe Phil won’t notice at first. But if there’s any touching (god, he wants there to be touching), how is he going to explain it away?

It’s not that he doesn’t want Phil to know, it’s just that he’s scared. He’s grown used to their daily communication, and he really doesn’t want to jeopardize what is probably the best friendship he’s ever had.

Dan spends the night before the trip pacing and talking out the various ways that conversation could go. By the time he’s boarding the train the next morning, his thoughts haven’t calmed down at all. What if it goes wrong, and he still has days to spend with Phil? Phil wouldn’t kick him out for being trans, would he? Where would he go? Should he even tell him at all? Maybe he should just make it clear there will be no touching, and make sure Phil doesn’t see him without his binder on. Shit, his binder. He knows he shouldn’t wear it for too long, but if he’s with Phil the entire time… Fuck. So maybe it’s best to tell him right away. “Oh, hi Phil, nice to finally see you in person, I’ve been lying to you this whole time.” No, it’s not a lie. He is a man. He never told Phil any different. It’s not his fault if Phil interpreted that to mean he has a penis. It’s probably fine. _Phil likes guys and girls, I’m a guy (and sort of a girl), so I’ve got my bases covered_. Dan shudders suddenly at the thought of Phil liking him because he was born a girl, seeing his female body and thinking “she.” The person sitting next to him on the train gives him an odd look, and Dan goes back to staring out the window with a pointedly blank expression. He can’t do this. He needs to get of this train. Shit shit _shit_.

He still hasn’t figured out what he’s going to do when he texts Phil that the train is pulling into the station. He’s trying to decide whether his heart is beating so fast because he’s excited or absolutely terrified as he steps off the train. He takes a deep breath to steady himself – _it’s just Phil. You know Phil. He likes you, and this will be fine_ – and looks up to see the Emo Hair™ and a very bouncy Phil waving at him from the platform.

They go to Starbucks, and to the Apple Store, and Dan’s mind is still whirring. But he’s flirting, and Phil’s flirting back, and they sort of kind of held hands for a while there, and _did that really actually happen_ , or is Dan just making that up?

And then they’re on the Manchester Eye. The city around them becomes muted as they step into the carriage, the door insulating them from the rest of the world for just a moment. Phil’s hand rests next to Dan’s on the railing, and Dan slides his hand over so his pinkie brushes Phil’s. He glances up at Phil to see him biting his lip in an attempt to suppress his grin. When the wheel starts moving, Phil reaches over to hold Dan’s hand, letting their arms swing between them with a tiny giggle. Dan looks down at his feet, cheeks pink, until they get to the top of the wheel’s arc. It’s not like he’s never dated anyone before, really. But he’s never dated anyone before as… him. It’s uncharted territory, and he’s scared. But this, just the simple act of holding hands with a boy who is maybe as head-over-heels for him as he is, this is the best moment he’s ever had. Phil pulls him out of his thoughts when the wheel stops by leaning over and kissing him on the cheek. When Dan looks over at him and smiles, Phil leans in slowly, leaving the chance for Dan to pull away, but Dan knows there’s no way he could, not with the way Phil’s hand sends heat racing through him and his gaze has Dan willing to give him the world. Phil kisses him then, and he sees the Manchester skyline spread out before them before he closes his eyes.

***

Later, when they’re finally back at Phil’s place, sitting side by side on his bed, Dan makes his decision. They’ve been sneaking kisses all night, but this is the first time they’ve really been alone. There’s a sense of gravity to it that has Dan pulling back when Phil leans in to kiss him again. He puts his hands on Phil’s shoulders to keep him from following, and he can’t make himself meet Phil’s gaze. He glances over to the door, where his bag is still packed so he can grab it and run if things go sideways. Phil makes a questioning hum, scooting the tiniest bit away from Dan, and Dan’s hand shoots out on impulse, clutching at Phil’s wrist, willing him to understand that he just needs a minute to pull himself together.

“Hold on, Phil,” he says, taking a deep breath that pulls at his ribs (and _wow_ , when did that happen? Now that he’s paying attention, his ribs are screaming). “There’s… something you should know first.”

Dan takes the moment to remember the feeling of Phil’s lips on his, just in case he’ll never get to feel it again.

“Dan?” Phil prompts him, ghosting his hand over where Dan is still clinging to his other arm.

 _Better to rip off the plaster_ , Dan thinks, and blurts out “I’m trans” before he can change his mind.

He waits. Silence. Dan looks up, fearing disgust or rage, but instead he just sees Phil looking a little surprised, his forehead crinkling slightly.

 _It’s cute_ , Dan’s brain unhelpfully supplies.

And then the floodgates in Dan’s mind burst open, and he rushes to speak. “I mean, I’m a man, it’s not like I’ve been lying to you or anything, it’s just that I wasn’t born like one, and I don’t have a penis, and I don’t know if that’s an issue for you, and I really really like you, but I’m scared you’ll hate me after knowing this, so I have to tell you now, and at least this way I still have my clothes on if I need to make a run for it.” Dan notes distantly that his voice is inching higher and higher as he speaks, but he can’t focus enough to bring it back down.

“Dan…” Phil tries to cut in, but Dan steamrolls past him.

“And I know you’re sweet and amazing, but I can’t not worry about what you’re going to say, and I don’t want you to start seeing me as a girl, because I’m _not_ , but I have no way of knowing how you’re going to take this, and I don’t know what I’m saying right now, and I wanted to be calm, but I can’t be calm because you already mean so much to me, and I don’t want to lose that.”

Phil interrupts Dan’s rambling by pulling him into a hug. “Hey, hey, breathe,” he whispers as he rubs Dan’s back.

“I sort of can’t,” Dan replies, short of breath from speaking too fast and breathing too shallow. _Well, I guess I’ve come this far, and he doesn’t seem to be taking this badly_ , Dan thinks, _so I can probably risk this_.

“Um,” Dan starts, “Could you maybe… turn around for a sec? I, um. I need to take off my binder.” Phil nods and turns around, giving Dan the privacy to take off his shirt. The binder is much harder, but he eventually tugs it off and hurls it at the wall, pulling his shirt back on as quickly as he can. “Uh, okay. Thank you.” If Phil notices the sudden presence of boobs in the outline of his shirt, he thankfully doesn’t say anything. He glances at the fabric lying haphazardly on the floor, before looking back at Dan. The silence stretches on, the two of them just staring at each other.

“Can you please say something?” Dan asks, worrying at the hem of his shirt. Phil, who seems to have just noticed that he hasn’t actually responded yet – Jesus Christ is Dan’s heart beating fast – finally startles out of his staring.

“I’m sorry,” he starts, “I just don’t know what to say. But I don’t hate you.” He grabs for Dan’s hands and holds them to his chest. “You know that I don’t. You’re Dan. And you’re amazing. And talented. And cute.” He pauses. “Handsome? Crap, can I call you cute? I’m sorry.”

This time it’s Dan who has to interrupt. “You can call me cute,” he says, his lips quirking up into the start of a grin. Phil stumbling over trying to say the right thing soothes Dan’s nerves a little. Dan maneuvers Phil until they’re lying down, Phil curled around him. “But only because I think you’re cute too.” Phil makes a happy little noise and snuggles into Dan’s neck. He wraps Phil’s arm over his waist, interlacing their fingers. He figures that if they have to have this conversation, this at least helps them avoid the awkward eye contact. Plus, cuddles always make a difficult conversation better.

“Can I ask a question?” Phil asks, and Dan resists the urge to say he just did. “Or like. Five questions?” Dan smiles. Phil is still here, still holding him, not sure where things are going to go, but willing to work it out with Dan. Because he cares about Dan. And Dan being trans doesn’t change that.

“Yeah. I’d love that.” Dan turns his head to kiss Phil’s forehead, still smiling. He remembers his feeling at the top of the Manchester Eye. He feels real here, wrapped in Phil’s arms, vulnerable and hopeful for what the future will bring. Yeah, he would give Phil the world. And maybe, just maybe, Phil will let him.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is so self-indulgent, sorry not sorry
> 
> I'd love to know what you think! :)


End file.
